Last night Kendall and I were at a friend’s house for dinner. Partway through the evening, I found that we were being An Annoying Couple. In this case, we were, in no particular order:

1. Talking over each other/interrupting each other (and then I snapped at him “can I finish my sentence?”)
2. Saying things about each other like “he doesn’t like raw onions” and “she has to have C&H brand sugars” (no one cares)
3. Holding a separate conversation the host did not care about for a solid 5 minutes (it was about football)
4. Making references, inside jokes, and asides that were either known or funny only to us

We got it together and improved, but since then I’ve been mentally cataloguing all the ways couples specifically are annoying:

1. Two annoying people meet and fall in love. How did they find each other? In some ways this is amazing, but you also say things about them like “Oh God, Brad & Angie are going to be at the thing on Friday”.
2. Your friend brings their significant other to everything, whether or not they were invited or it seems appropriate. Oh, Dan is coming to the girl’s weekend? Fun!
3. New couples in any kind of honeymoon phase are annoying, for a variety of reasons: your friend disappears/you can never get time with them; their newfound love becomes the only thing they ever talk about; you have to watch them oogle and make eyes at each other; they’re smug. In a worst case scenario, your friend’s new person sucks and you have to pretend they don’t. Or you end up liking them so much you worry your friend is going to blow it.
4. But also: happy, long established couples can be annoying in their own ways: they give each other looks that you know mean something, but you’re not sure what; they speak in riddles/have a secret language; they laugh together about things that aren’t funny to anyone else; they leave early (or don’t come at all) because why go anywhere when home with your partner is great? Sometimes they start having kids; or they both get really into pickleball or woodworking. They have strong shared opinions about brands of dog food or trash cans or which Bake Off contestant should win.
5. Miserable couples are annoying. They might tell you all the ways the other one drives them crazy, or something truly horrible the other one did (and then you’re still supposed to act normal at dinner and like you don’t hate his guts). Or they’ll say something really mean about their partner and you actually start to feel bad for him. You’ll hear about how they’re opening their marriage, and then you’ll watch as that inevitably and completely predictably goes off the rails. If you invite them both somewhere and only one of them can come, you’re relieved.
6. Some couples are also just truly Perfect for each other, and that’s annoying in its own way. No one else has this, how did you find this? They’re amazing both together and separately, you look up to and admire them. Their relationship is Goals. They aren’t annoying at all – which is, in and of itself, super annoying. You’re annoyed at how great they are, like ‘save some for the rest of us, guys’. If they don’t have kids, they probably have a boat or a perfectly appointed home, or a cool camper van, or they travel all the time. If they do have kids, their kids are the best and coolest kids you’ve ever met – their nine year old has been getting really into Radiohead lately.

Most couples fall somewhere in the middle – pretty happy, but not saccharine; often annoyed with their partner, but not miserable; relatable and far from perfect, which makes being around them bearable. You would think all this means they’re not annoying – but actually it means they are annoying in many different ways, just at different times. They do the inside jokes AND they say mean things about one another. They get really into a shared hobby AND they might still open their marriage (probably with their new pickleball friends). If they have kids, they’re normal kids who go through a Pokemon phase and like Peppa Pig.

Being a part of a couple means – in a best case scenario – resigning yourself to being at least occasionally obnoxious to those around you. But I wish everyone (who wants it) the freedom of being cringe in this particular way – cringe because you’re with someone you love spending time with, annoying because you know each other’s favorite mayo brand (it’s Hellman’s/Best).