Comfort food

Today I have been scrolling through an all-time favorite blog of mine that I have lost touch with in recent years. I used to be a good blog reader – I used my Google Reader and set up all my favorites and religiously read through every single new post every day or two. I don’t entirely blame Google Reader going the way of the dinosaur, but I do a little blame that for my drop in blog-following. I tried Feedly for awhile and, if you can believe it, it was too fancy for me. Google Reader was utilitarian, where Feedly had too many bells and whistles for my tastes.

I think I also started getting all my non-news news from Facebook – instead of following particular blogs that interest me, I’ve moved to liking their Facebook page or just clicking on interesting links as they are shared by friends or otherwise pop up on my feed.

There are still sites I regularly visit, but those are almost universally sites with a strong Facebook or Instagram presence that I’ve clicked through from. It’s a little scary when you think I used to go out and get all that info and now I am only seeing what comes right to me – it’s a definite sea-change.

Anyway. Where was I?

Right. Posie Gets Cozy. Alicia’s blog just screams fall and winter to me – even in spring and summer. “Cozy” is the operative word and it really comes through. She takes amazing photos that make you just want to go cuddle up under a blanket (preferably in her beautiful home, preferably while she’s cooking a hearty stew or baking a beautiful cake). What I love most about her blog is that, even though everything looks so perfect and you wonder how she does it with a 4-year-old in tow, it also looks and feels very lived-in, very real. She seems down-to-earth.

Today, particularly, with the gloomy, gray day and my lack of tasks at work I am longing to be home, with something simmering on the stove, reading a book by the window with the cat at my feet.

I am on a “diet” (read: lifestyle change) to improve my health and lose weight. I got a diagnosis of pre-diabetes earlier this year, which has since been downgraded to, like, pre-pre-diabetes. Basically, we’re still watching it, but I’ve done a good enough job backing away from the cliff that they’re easing up a bit on calling it pre-diabetes. I joined a medical weight loss program and it has been eye-opening. The great part about the medical aspect is I have labs and regular follow-ups and have been given a ton of information about my body and the particular (and sometimes peculiar) ways it works. It is all very personalized and that has been super helpful, but at times also super discouraging in that when you find out the way your body processes sugars is basically fucked or the way your thyroid works is fucked – that can feel a bit insurmountable. And then it makes you feel like some level of poor health is inevitable. And then you just want to eat an entire chicken pot pie. Or whatever.

But Fall itself has also make me want to eat chicken pot pie. And potatoes. And cookies. And lasagna. Basically, all the high-carb stuff I’m not supposed to have too often. When I first started eating this new way, I was excited to see all the delicious fats I am still allowed to have – juicy steaks and hunks of cheese and greasy bacon. But I miss pasta, and rice. Mostly, though, what I miss is the mindlessness. I miss being in the mood for a food and just having it. I miss ordering whatever whenever wherever.

I have been cooking a ton, but reading Alicia’s blog today made me miss the peculiar thrill of getting a bee in your bonnet about trying some dish and then just going home and cooking it that very night – which is an urge that almost exclusively comes over me in Fall & Winter,and almost exclusively involves comfort food. I’ve found some good recipes, but I’ve yet to find a low-carb recipe that gets me that kind of excited –  Fall-cooking excited. I’ve yet to find what I would call comfort-food in this low-carb universe.

I always hit this point when trying to eat better where I just think, “what’s the point?” What’s the point if I’m going to miss out on these spontaneous moments? If I’m going to miss out on Fall Cooking? If I’m going to miss out on the whatever, whenever, wherever joy of life? I think there must be an achievable balance, but I’m having trouble finding it right now. And these pictures of homemade baked mac n cheese aren’t helping.